Thursday, July 17, 2014

Going to Detcon1

Not to be confused with Defcon1, I hope, in most ways. I want this convention to be exciting, but not THAT exciting. I will be doing several things in Detroit this weekend, the best of which are

Reading with Suzanne Church – we’re doing a joint reading 2 pm Sat. We don’t share, we read at the same time, cutting each other off. It’s fierce.

Reading for kids – 4pm Sat. I wrote a special chapbook just for the event, Max Goes to Detcon1. And I mean just. This is a one-time only deal, little ones. Grab a cookie and listen to me try not to sound like an old guy with a sinus infection.

 On Sunday, I’m on a panel about science and magic. It won’t go well. We all know those two things don’t mix.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Word Crimes

I haven't loved a Weird Al song in so, so long.  The wait is over.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Border Perspective

Since October 56,000 children have entered the country illegally. It seems like a big number.  God knows, if all of them we're buying one my books I'd be thrilled.  In that same time about 2.6 million children were born in the U.S. That's a bigger number.  Would anyone have noticed if America’s birthrate rose two-tenths of a percent in the last three quarters? Anyone?

I’m not advocating illegal immigration or law breaking. I do think people might want to try to keep the issue in perspective. Any protestor holding a sign up to a 12-year-old telling her to go home and saying to the cameras “I’m saving our country” needs to give the matter just a little more thought. Sure, tighten up the borders, tell all of Uruguay this won’t be tolerated, but please, don’t make kids your soccer ball.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Shia LaBeouf - The Real Story

Shia LaBeouf, as explained to me by a friend of a friend, got ripped after seeing Transformers, Age of Extinction.  It’s tough to admonish him for this.  I guess he said something like “They used to blame me for this crap”  and started pounding Bushmills. He escaped to the theatre, where Tony award winning actor Alan Cumming should have been able to help.  Then he realized it was the guy form Son of the Mask, lit up and got the boot.  I almost feel bad for the guy.  Almost.  I would if it weren’t for Indian Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  That remains unforgiveable.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

The Milkman’s coming: From Wichita

“Charles Koch’s ideal government is really no government. He was an Anarcho-capitalist.”  Daniel Schulman, author of Sons of Wichita: How the Koch Brothers Became America's Most Powerful and Private Dynasty, on the Daily Show last night.  “He believes private individuals can handle almost every function of society, basically eliminating the need for government.”

And here I thought The Milkman to be more thought experiment than predictive device.  Uh.  I could be a secret genius. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

A window into my soul

The window of my office became a Rorschach test this morning.  I see my parents fighting.  I know it’s about me.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Man vs. machine

True story.  Happened last night.  

The screw in the vending machine held on to the fun fruits. They would not drop into the bin. Nina finished her swimming lesson. She asked for a relatively healthy treat and there that sack hung. Taunting me. Of course, I had no more cash. It was a miracle at that $1 in the first place. I tapped the glass a few times, like they tell you never to do at the zoo. The fun fruits remained, motionless, caught on the tip of bag.

I did what any good father would do – I looked around, ensuring no witnesses, and rammed the machine with my shoulder. The steel and glass box rattled and banged the ground, blaring a kind of metallic thunder through the hallway. We were gonna get kicked out of this place. I almost ran for it. A spring inside the beast sprung, shooting snacks at the glass. They dropped to the tray below.

The fun fruits stayed pinched in place. The trough was filled with peanut-butter stuffed cheddar crackers. I knelt, removed one and handed it to Nina.

“Not what I was hoping for.” Nina opened the package.

I stared at the rest of the cracker packs. For a second. Then I scooped them all into her gym bag.

“Is that stealing?” Nina asked. She took a small bite of the bright orange snack.

I told her I was undecided.

“These are revolting.” She handed me the rest.