Laser eye surgery does not give your eyes any kind of energy projection abilities. I can’t burn holes in books just by staring. I know because I’ve tried. This is a great disappointment to me. I thought a corrective procedure might actually correct that fact that I don’t have any super powers. I could really use some. For good, of course. I would never think of using my powers to swipe a Lichtenstein, even just one, from a Russian oil tsar who couldn’t possibly appreciate it. Anyway . . .
I had surgery on my eyes last Friday. Today is the first day I can really stand looking at the computer long enough to write anything. My eyes were too yucky for a lasik. I had advanced surface ablation. Instead of cutting a flap and my eyes and lifting them like a hatches, I had the surface of my eyes erased. They did a chemical peel, which I got to watch because it happened right on my eyes with the lids propped open. Then they shot lasers into the open pupils, fixed whatever was wrong and told me to stay calm until the surface grows back.
This is not as painful as it might sound. Pain is not the correct word. The experience is like sunburn on your eyeballs. A tight, sandy agitation that, emanating from your eyes, stays in the forefront of your mind. My loving wife got me a Jim Butcher audio book. That helped more than anything. It put my eyes on the back burner.
No, the only pain is in knowing that I will not any time soon light a woman’s cigarette with a glance or pop the tires of my pursuers, looking back over my shoulder and winking.